Chapter Four: Imagine.

Imagine, if you will, a world with no Starbucks. Coffee Bean would thrive, but what if they closed down too? And Peet’s, and Joe’s, and all the little individual shops and homes with anything resemblent of a coffee maker? What you would have is a world of crotchety old men, a middle aged working class, and angsty teenagers who suddenly want to murder the first person they see in the morning. Aside from the funeral homes’ business skyrocketing, the world would be a generally depressing place. Agreed? Of course you do. I can hear your heartbeat speed up at the thought.

Anyway. Life would suck and there would be absolutely nothing we could do about it. People would be forced to turn to energy drinks, the ones that taste more or less like flavored water with grass and sweet-tarts crushed up inside. As our hearts became more and more stressed with this sudden intake of sugar and caffeine, hospitals would thrive. But sooner or later, let’s face it – kaboom. Kapoot. Our hearts stop. Again, the morticians are in revelry while the rest of us poor suckers stand by and wait for our turn.

After a while, the morticians get too full of themselves. They realize the power they hold, and after the suggestion from the head honcho – who will probably end up being of German heritage – they decide to take over the world.

The goths have no problem with this, of course, but those of us with real brains become paranoid. Soon we can’t go anywhere without the fear of a gravedigger lurking behind overwhelming us. And then, in the years’ biggest soap opera, Eric shocks the nation by revealing that he is, in fact, a coroner! The world is sent into spasms.

By now there are only a few of us left. We hide in the shadows and cower in basements, keeping out of sight. Until one day, some great leader comes along and discloses the fact that he never was a coffee-addict – he drank tea. The world is saved!

Not quite. Not everyone was as smart as this tea consumer, and their strength is waning. Sooner or later, they die out. The Tea Drinkers make their move, and strike at the footholds of the morticians. Somehow. Secretly.

And suddenly, the funeral homes are empty. The dictators have passed on. And now, the only people remaining in the world realize the previous generations’ mistake: coffee. So, they swear a vow to always drink tea instead. And bam. The world has suddenly returned to 18^th century England.

So the next time you go to Starbucks and order your coffee mocha ice blended, think of exactly what you’re doing. And perhaps you’ll order a chai tea instead.

* I hereby apologize for any insults I may have caused Starbucks employees, morticians, or Nazi dropouts.