Chapter Three: How to tell if He/She likes You

Well, first of all, you should be wondering why you would want to know if a he/she liked you. Once you’ve decided, you should be able to discover that I am, in fact, giving advice to both genders.

If You are a Girl: Read Here.

Ah, the age-old question. Does he like you? Well, instead of you murdering poor flowers, maybe I can help you out. Here are some definite signs that attention from the male sex is soon to come your way.

1. He always watches you at a party.
2. He laughs at all your jokes, even the stupid ones. Especially the stupid ones.
3. He sends you flowers.
4. He asks for your cell phone number.
5. He memorizes your cell phone number.
6. He comments on all your pictures with things like, “Nice”, or, “Hahaha”, or, “Good pic”, because he can’t bring himself to say to your face (or computer screen) that you’re pretty.
7. He buys you popcorn at the movie theatre. Even though he ends up eating it all, it’s the thought that counts.
8. He tries to hide jealousy when you mention hot male actors but he ends up looking slightly constipated instead.
9. He’s never once looked at any of your girl-friends the way he looks at you.
10. He can name the brand of perfume you wear. And that’s when it’s time to run.

If You are Not a Girl: Don’t Read Here.

Guys, I just wasted two seconds of your life while you tried to figure that out. Now I’ve wasted six. How do you feel about that?

If You are a Guy: Read Here.

Well. Guys, I would genuinely love you help you out here. But, I’m sorry to tell you, that there is nothing I can tell you that will make understanding the complex entity of the female mind any easier. The cavemen didn’t understand it, and neither did Elvis. Contrary to what the latter believed, the way to win a girls heart is not by relating her to a hound-dog. However, if you’re willing to put up with my logic, perhaps I can offer a few helpful hints. Here are the quickest ways to a girl’s heart.

1. Become a millionaire.
2. Write a song about her, praising her facial features rather than how amazing you think her toes look in high heel sandals. Actually, if the toe idea has crossed your mind, it might be best to forget the song writing in general.
3. You may be smart and you may be fast. But being able to recite every law of gravity and every number in Pi to the beat of the newest hit rap song is not the most enjoyable way to spend a date.
4. Never, under any circumstances, tell her she’s being unreasonable. If you do, you are asking for a murder and I won’t be able to help you past this point.
5. Learn to play an instrument. Preferably the piano. I know all the “cool guys” play guitar, but trust me – girls will adore the sensitivity you put into your piano pieces. Unless, of course, all you can play is Fur Elise, in which case you’ll just annoy them.
6. Acquiring an accent (Irish, Scottish, English and Australian seem to be the favorites) won’t hurt either.
7. Boasting about chest hair may impress other guys, but with your date... not so much.
8. You better pray you hit it off with her dog. And her dad. And mom. And her sisters. And her older brother. In fact, if there is any doubt that any one of these persons will hate you, it’s best to hold off a family meeting until after the wedding.
9. Never tell her she’s wrong. If you do, you must quickly renounce your argument or else buy a lifelong pass to Sees candy.
10. Don’t call her every minute. That just feels needy. But be prepared to know that if you don’t, she will dump you.
11. In short, be ready for anything. Because I can promise you right now that you will never, ever understand her.

Well folks, that’s the best I can do for now. If you’re still confused, I suggest you write in your diary, or write an emo song about your feelings. Everyone else does.