Chapter Two: A Question of Grave Importance

It’s a wonder that we’re all here alive on this earth. How do people find other people attractive enough to want to make more? I mean I guess now I can understand why guys find girls attractive and vice versa... because we all put so much into our appearance. But really. Let’s go back a couple thousand years and explore this in its’ entirety.

For example, the cave-people. How in the world did those men find those women appealing? Smelly, hairy, bad breath and probably no TruBlend to cover up the prominent zits on their oily faces.

This ups the question: what did prehistoric women use to shave their legs? Sharp rocks? Yeah. I’m sure the scars added to the beauty.

How about the ancient Greeks? Well, the pleasantly plump women all ran around with no shirts on, which I guess makes it more or less a Utopia for any guy shallow enough to think that deeply into it. But let’s turn the tables. Girls, how did we find them attractive? They wore dresses! Call me sexist but I believe the skirt is a right that should be reserved only for the female form.

A little later on, we have the Spaniards, English and French. These were all homosexuals.

Skipping ahead to the mid-1800’s. I guess the Civil War uniforms were alright... but the facial hair? Come on. Where the guys trying to lure, sheep?

And then the 20’s. Suits and fedoras. Well.... nevermind, that was preferable, actually. Moving on.

The 70’s. Earlier periods might have been dismissed for pure stupidity but this is just too far. Sequins on shirts? Guys wearing bell-bottoms?? Orange PLAID?! I can’t get over the fact that the human race did not go extinct during this time period.

Now that we’re in the 2000s, I can’t very well pick on our fashion without appearing in the least bit hypocritical. So I’ll stop there.

But you can’t ignore the facts. You look back at what people were wearing 10 years ago and scoff, knowing well in the back of your mind that in 10 years, people will look back at your Myspace pictures and scoff in the same – but assuredly more scene – tones. Again, we find ourselves lost in a sadistic cycle.

My reasoning for this madness? It’s quite simple. I firmly believe in the stupidity of the races. As long as the celebrities (who are probably really aliens) and politicians (who better be aliens) wear it, it must be cool. Actually, not the politicians. They’ve been “out” for years.

And as long as this insanity still lurks behind every “for sale” sign in America, it will continue on. So if you wish to break the cycle, I suggest you look to our ancestors, the cave-people. Maybe they were doing something right after all.