Chapter Six: How to Write a Great Novel

So you want to be famous, and, like all other intelligent beings, have decided that there are simply too many actors and actresses in the world to be healthy. Therefore, you’ve come up with the next best thing – after being a country star, of course. You’ve decided to write. Well, groovy guru, let’s get started.

The first thing you’ll want to decide is what sort of novel you want to write. Sometimes you can wait until about halfway through to figure this out, but I like to get formalities out of the way first.

Picked down to three choices, here’s what we have.

1. The Thriller. These stories are spine-chilling, quick-moving, heart-attack-inducing, and usually consist of about a page-worth of dialogue. If you’re not a big talker, this is the book for you.

2. The Comedy. These are tales of laughter and gaiety; usually a day-long account filled with eccentric persons, outlandish occurrences, and frequently involving an irrepressibly drunk grandfather who is constantly shown up by his brilliant, bespectacled granddaughter named Delilah.

3. The Romance. Ah, amore. Most successful romances end up being terribly dull and altogether depressing when all is over and done-with. The lovers are separated for a time, and then they are at last together, only to be separated again when the third party of the triangle arrives and demands that Freddie give up Jane or he shall die. Here, our hero has two choices: do as the bum demands, or don’t. If he does, Jane will doubtlessly never speak to him again. And if he doesn’t, well, he will doubtlessly never speak to Jane again. I believe this is where the expression “heartache” comes from, though it is usually believed to be caused by a bad diet.

To decide which style best suits you, I suggest you take this short and originally wonderful quiz.

The Short and Originally Wonderful Quiz

1. You are at the mall to meet some friends and waiting alone when a man in a mask comes up to you and demands all of your money. You...

a. Roundhouse kick the fiend in the face and then find yourself in a chase scene that circles the entire town, calling the police only when it becomes necessary.

b. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

c. Proclaim your undying love for the masked man, though your parents would never approve the match.

The End

I don’t think I need to explain the choices here, but you just never can tell. If you chose A, you are most definitely a hero – at least, in your dreams. And what better place to express dreams than through writing? I commend you.

If you chose B, you are probably just stupid. But don’t worry – people love to make fun of other people. You may just be a best seller.

If you chose C, I am not responsible to your parents.

Alright, now that we know what kind of writer you are, it is up to us to find a plot and plot twist for you. It’s up to you, mainly, to brainstorm the possibilities, but here are just a few suggestions to help get you started.

For the Hero:

o Annie wakes up one morning to discover that all of her kitchen utensils have been stolen by the ex-feminists of the neighborhood, and finds herself in a race against time and Rosie as she struggles to ascertain where her allegiances as a female lie.

o Bob the Dog is being attacked by Brutus, the new feline in the joint. A plot to run the cat out of the joint goes horribly wrong when it is discovered that Bill the Farmer plans on making pup-stew in merely a few days.

o Jack is being followed by an insane Swedish woman who seems to have a dangerous fascination with Russian fruit. Help?

For the Comedian:

o Derrick’s new job as the club clown seems to be taking a turn for the worst when he is replaced by a cackling giraffe named Daisy.

o A slightly insane old man finds himself lost in a nude colony.

o The smartest boy in class – the one with big glasses and a nasally voice who smells uncharacteristically like a calculator – loses the spelling bee.

For the Lover:

o Ted and Elise must overcome their differences if they are to ever be together. He is merely a poor, penniless man of the people. She is a bat.

o Margaret has been betrothed to a handsome prince from a distant land since birth. The problem? She is in love with Ted, from the previous story.

o Ted and Margaret are married, but now their love is threatened when the powerful prince from a distant land returns in vengeance, at his right hand sitting a bitter old bat. Sparks are bound to fly.

Well. There are some brilliant main ideas. I trust you will use them well. Just remember, whichever theme you decide to go with, that the job of the writer is to find something to say and – well – say it. More eloquently than that, however. Your story should be at least a thousand and one pages, give or take a few hundred. And when you finish, I want some of the rights to the manuscript.

Today’s lesson is over for now, my children. Now go out there and WRITE.